🚧 πŸ‘· UNDER CONSTRUCTION SINCE 2001 πŸ‘· 🚧 THIS PAGE IS 4% FINISHED 🚧 πŸ‘· PLEASE MIND THE CABLES 🚧
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OPPORTUNISTIC
BASTARD.COM

NEW! The OFFICIAL homepage of the man who registered it before you woke up. NEW!

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β˜… BREAKING β˜… Local man registers your company name "as a favour" β˜… β˜… β˜… COMPLAINTS UP 400% THIS QUARTER, MORALE UNAFFECTED β˜… β˜… β˜… "I only did it because you said it out loud in the pub" β˜… β˜… β˜… ALL MAJOR CURRENCIES ACCEPTED INCLUDING FAVOURS β˜… β˜… β˜… You should have registered it yourself, you enormous wet lettuce β˜… β˜… β˜… NOW WITH 100% MORE REGRET β˜…

πŸ‘Ί WHO IS THIS ABSOLUTE BASTARD πŸ‘Ί

OH, NOW YOU'RE INTERESTED!

You had the idea. You said it in a meeting. You said it in a pub. You said it in a group chat with fourteen people in it, one of whom was me, and you did precisely nothing about it for eleven days.

I did something about it in four minutes, on my phone, on a bus, using a card with a Β£9 limit. And now here we are, and you're on my website, scrolling, seething, doing that thing with your jaw.

THAT'S NOT THEFT. THAT'S INITIATIVE.

"He's not a villain, he's a logistics problem." β€” someone's solicitor, allegedly

[ANIMATED GIF OF A DANCING BABY WOULD GO HERE BUT THE LICENCE WAS Β£4]

πŸ› THE HALL OF SHAME πŸ›

A living monument to people who were slightly too slow. Updated whenever I'm bored.

ASSETORIGINAL OWNERACQUIREDSTATUS
yourbrilliantidea.co.ukYou. Emotionally.11 min after the pub PARKED, SMUGLY
The name of your bandYour bandSoundcheck MERCHANDISED
@thehandle_you_wantedNobody, briefly2009 POSTS ONCE A YEAR
Your catchphraseYour nan, originallyChristmas β„’ PENDING
That gap in the marketThe marketImmediately FILLED. BADLY.
Your mumYour dad, allegedlylol NEGOTIABLE

Think you should be on this list? You probably already are. Scroll harder.

πŸ“£ THE COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT πŸ“£

GO ON THEN. LET'S HEAR IT.

Complaints are no longer accepted on this page. Too many of you were typing them into the guestbook, into the mailing list box, and on one occasion into the visitor counter. The whole business has been handed to a proper department with a proper form, because nothing takes the wind out of a furious man like being asked to complete Part C.

It is twenty-two questions long. It has a reference number. It has a privacy notice. It asks how many people you have told, and then it asks how many of them agreed with you. Bring a drink.

πŸ“ PROCEED TO FORM UC-22 πŸ“

Universal Complaints & User Narrative Tracker Β· Office of Complaints Administration Β· average completion time fourteen minutes

πŸ’° BUY IT BACK πŸ’°

EVERYTHING IS FOR SALE. THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT.

Domain? Available. Trademark? Available. Your mum? Available, lol. Make me an offer. Make it a good one. I can see how long you spend on this page and it's frankly quite a lot.

go on, then

❓ FREQUENTLY SCREAMED QUESTIONS ❓

Q: Is this legal?
A: Astonishingly, mostly. The bits that aren't, I've moved to a different page you can't find.
Q: Why would you do this to me?
A: "To" you? I did it near you. You were simply standing there at the time, being slow.
Q: I've sent seven complaints and had no reply.
A: Correct. The system is working perfectly.
Q: Will you actually sell it back?
A: Yes! I'm not a monster, I'm an opportunist. There's a price. There's always a price. Usually it's slightly more than you've got, which is not a coincidence, it's a business model.
Q: Is the "your mum" thing really necessary?
A: No. It is the lowest possible joke and I went straight to it. Send money.
Q: I think you're a horrible little man.
A: That's not a question, but the Complaints Department is directly above and it would love to hear from you.
Q: Can I have my group chat screenshots deleted?
A: They can be purchased. Deletion is a premium tier.

πŸ“– SIGN MY GUESTBOOK πŸ“–

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